LOSS, PAIN AND A GOD WHO HEALS

 Psalm 147:3“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

Eight years ago today, I lost my father. It was an otherwise quiet Wednesday night and I had made two four and half hour trips to my high school and back. I was exhausted; so I went to bed.

I had heard from many people how a loss could change people; their perspectives,their response to situations and sometimes, their self-esteem. I couldn’t relate. People should be able to move on after a loss and do not have to be stuck in a place of pain; that’s what I thought.

It so happened that when I went back to school that term, I was different. I never realized it, because I had suppressed my pain and tried to focus on being a final year student (hard girl).  I tried to do the things I did on a regular day and with support of my Joyful Way Inc family, I still had a way to focus on God. I would avoid any conversations about my father altogether because I’d tear up any time I had to talk about him. My system worked.

It worked until I’d catch myself getting jealous of my closest friend in school, when both of her parents would come visiting at least once every month. I’d shake it off, but I’d get emotional every time someone’s father came up in conversation, or when I saw people with their fathers during visiting times (you can tell by now that I was a daddy’s girl). Visiting days became my new study days. I would sit in a corner in a class on the farthest block on campus and bury myself in my books all day. I’d thank God for strength every day, but I’d soon realize that I had been operating in my own strength.

My healing happened one Sunday morning.

I was a Bible Studies facilitator for my church on campus and had gone really early that morning, forgetting that the bible study had been cancelled. Since I was already there, I just sat and read my bible. The patron (teacher in charge) of the church noticed me and when he succeeded in making eye contact, motioned for me to see him after service. At that moment I knew he’d been told. But no, I wasn’t going to talk about it because I had a system, remember? So after church service, I was quick to make my way towards the dormitory. 

I didn’t make it.

I was stopped by a friend who had been sent to get me. I asked her if she was the one who told him what had happened and her response was “ I had to”(thank God for people who see beyond the facade). Without thinking, I asked “why, is he going to raise my father from the dead?” Immediately, I heard the Holy Spirit say to me “you’re getting bitter, go back”. So I did.

The Patron and I talked a little bit about who my father was and we rested in the assurance that he was saved. He shared a little bit about his own story, being orphaned at a young age and his walk with God. Then he prayed with me. As he prayed, the sobbing began. I continued sobbing as I  walked back and by the time I got to the dormitory, the floodgates were open. I cried and cried and cried. There were four of us in the room; two of them could not stand the sight, so they left, and the one who stayed to console me was crying with me. And then my friend who had talked to our patron was there too, crying. Amidst the tears, I began to admit just how much it hurt, and how uncertain everything looked at the time. My friends around me would say “it’s going to be okay” and i’d say “I know, but it hurts so much!” *more tears*. 

In that moment, I opened up to God in a way I never had. My wails became prayers and as I cried and prayed those honest prayers, God was working out a healing I could never have imagined. I woke up later that day so light, so free. I could not explain it, I still can’t. It felt like a touch of fire and water at the same time; a touch from God I did not know I needed. My face was puffy and my eyes were swollen, but I was free! 

Fast forward to today, I have such a different way of thinking and relating to others, much different from how I was growing up. Now, I tend to be more empathetic with people. I used to be a no-cry-zone kinda person, now I tear up at commercials *sigh*. Not because I’m sad, but God worked out a compassionate side of me that I didn’t know was there. In the last three years, God has used that compassion to minister to the most random people in the most unlikely places and those things fill my days with so much joy and peace. I can’t say I’m totally different; there’s still a balance of the lioness and the lamb. When I’m sitting quietly in a corner, I’m fine; and when I’m boldly doing things in front of an audience, I’m totally fine as well.

There have been doubts, uncertainty, and sometimes those periods of insecurity but in all of this, the one thing I have learnt to do, is trust God completely.

To everyone who has experienced loss in any way, those whose present circumstances are causing you to feel inadequate, if you think a part of you died with the person you lost, I want you to know that God is able and willing to restore you. 

Emotional hurt or pain is not a negative emotion on its own, but it is a state that can be easily corrupted. It can leave people feeling like they should have died in place of the other person, or that they should take their own lives, or that they should give up on love, God or people. In my case, it was bitterness, and who knows what kind of mindset it could have led to. That should never be the case with you.

Come clean with God with all of your sorrow, pain and even anger; He can handle it. More than that, He can handle you. Let Him restore your soul. 

God loves you more than you can ever think, and He wants to make sure that you are whole, confident and purposeful; but He wants you to be all of that in Him! You are not strong until your strength is of God, you’re only faking it till you make it if your confidence is not from God, and your happiness is short-lived without Him; lay it down and pick up joy. Be honest in your prayer and let God heal your pain.

And oh, when you pray, you can ask God to liberate you like He liberated me; I’m pretty sure He remembers.

Your friend,

Sharon